Sentiments were echoed in Norfolk, VA. Not only did the number of marriages increase in the wake of 9-11, but the number of divorce dismissals also increased. In Harris County Texas there was a record number of divorce dismissals. District Court Judge Linda Motherly said that there was a general sense that people realized their lives had changed forever. When a couple files for divorce their problems seem insurmountable, but a tragedy of the 9-11 caliber put everything in perspective. Couples felt like the things they worried about were small potatoes compared to families like those involved in the trade center tragedy.

Is Wanting Marriage Enough?

So, it seems that after a brief period of the anti- marriage sentiment of the 60’s and 70’s, America is harkening back to a pro-marriage position. The problem is that this young, brave generation with its positive spin on marriage has poor role models of what a healthy marriage should be. Not only do they lack healthy role models, but they are indeed harmed from their parents' divorces. Children of divorce display problems in the following areas:

Self-esteem - how they feel about themselves

Performance - how they function, grow and adapt to life

Social skills - how they get along with peers, work, church, community and the world at large

Intimate relationships and marriage - how they respond to intimates

The Heritage Foundation’s June 5, 2000 Report on The Effects of Divorce on America states that children of divorce suffer from more depression, anxiety, low self-esteem. They experience higher rates of suicide, feelings of rejection, drug and alcohol abuse, delinquency and criminality and diminished learning capacity leading to more school failure. They have poor interpersonal relationships, are increasingly the victims of abuse and neglect, and are two times as likely to divorce than children from intact families.

Mavis Hetherington’s For Better or For Worse: Divorce Reconsidered (Norton 2002) states that 25% of children from divorce have serious social, emotional, or psychological problems. They are depressed, impulsive, irresponsible, or anti-social. 20% of children in stepfamilies are emotionally troubled in contrast to 10% of children from intact families. Fewer than 20% of young adult stepchildren feel close to their step moms. 70% of young people from divorced families see divorce as an acceptable solution, even if children are present while only 40% of children from intact families have this attitude. With this baggage the pro-marriage generation has a lot of weight to carry up the hill of successful matrimony.

In our work we have also found some common wounds of adult children of divorced parents:

• The inability to trust in relationships

• Fear of failure and doom — the sense that "the other shoe is going to drop" any time things go well.

• Insecurity which causes them to become controlling in relationships or become passive-aggressive and resist the requests of their partner.

• The inability to communicate effectively.

• No role models of problem solving or conflict resolution because their parents’ only solution to their problems was dissolution.

What are solutions to the wounds of divorce for adult children?

• Awareness of how your parents’ divorce affected you

• Dealing with the pain of their divorce and moving to a place of healing and forgiveness

• Putting the unhealthy thoughts and beliefs about yourself and your marriage behind you

• Learning marriage relationship skills.